


Movie Mocking--Angels and Demons, AKA: Robert Langdon's Roman Holiday

by FrenchRoast



Category: Angels & Demons (2009)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:12:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1761509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchRoast/pseuds/FrenchRoast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here is where I mock the movie Angels & Demons. All meant in good fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Movie Mocking--Angels and Demons, AKA: Robert Langdon's Roman Holiday

Music: *is ominous*  
  
Big Ring: *is shiny*  
  
Ewan McGregor: *is sad* I don't want to destroy the precious!  
  
Voiceover: Here is some handy info for the heathens who don't know what goes down after the Pope dies.  
  
Wafer: *fades into CERN*  
  
Scientists: *Scold each other in French and Italian*  
  
CERN: I totally work. Yep. Nevermind what you've read in the papers.  
  
Photons: Look how we shimmer and dance!  
  
Soon-to-be-dead father figure: Antimatter! We totally rock!  
  
Vittoria: *walks by a tech guy she's never seen before* Hey, what's that red stuff on the retinal scanner? And...  
  
Dead father figure: It's all fun and games 'til somebody loses an eyeball. And their life.  
  
 **Fade into Harvard's swimming pool**  
  
Vatican dude: Are you wearing a speedo?  
  
Langdon: Why yes, thanks. And how nice of you to come all the way from Rome to admire me and give me access to your archives. If you know what I mean.  
  
Vatican dude: Um, I came from New York. And here is a badly copied SYMBOL to interest you. There's a bad guy, he wants to kill some cardinals, and you're supposed to help us.  
  
Langdon: Wait, you're not here give me access to the archives?  
  
Vatican dude: You know, it isn't always about you.  
  
Langdon: Hah. Right. You must not have read the books yet. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.  
  
Vatican dude: I will admit you are...what is the word...formidable? Yes, I will use a false cognate here that I wouldn't have ever used to describe you, except it will let people think you're smarter than you are by figuring out the English word.  
  
 **Cut to Rome**  
  
Cardinals: *have finished their bus tour of Tuscany; now it's time to get to business*  
  
Olivetti: Hi, heathen. Try not to embarrass me too much.  
  
Langdon: Yeah, so as we walk through this hall, I'll just criticize the institution a little bit more, at a fairly inappropriate time, because I'm sure you don't know the history of your own sculptures.  
  
Vittoria: I'm not entirely sure how I got from CERN to here, so I'll just sit in this chair until someone says hi.  
  
Langdon: Hi.  
  
Vittoria: So, this antimatter is going to--  
  
Chief Security dude: I know lots about explosives, and I'm not about to let a scientist woman try and tell me about--  
  
Vittoria: Um, it will destroy the whole Vatican.  
  
Langdon: With light!  
  
Chief Security dude: That's what the kidnapper said! Play the tape!  
  
Langdon: Okay, now pause it here and there so I can regurgitate my book at all of you. Also, I need to get in those archives.  
  
Everyone else: Dude, this is so not the time for you to be doing research.  
  
Langdon: No, really!  
  
Chief Security dude: Well, there's no Pope, so we can't.  
  
Langdon: Isn't Ewan McGregor in this movie?  
  
Everyone else: Ah, right. He can help!  
  
Ewan: *would inspire most anyone to get down on their knees and...pray. If you know what I mean*  Let's try some reason and logic here, people. Vittoria, who else knew that they could get some antimatter to blow this place up?  
  
Vittoria: Um...it's probably in my dead father-figure's journals, and we can have them flown up since no one thought to ask that question before I flew over here.  
  
Ewan: Great. Now, Langdon and I are going to have a heart to heart about getting access to the archives. Do you believe in God?  
  
Langdon: Um...not really.  
  
Ewan: At least you didn't lie to me. Fine, go. But you break it, you bought it.  
  
Langdon: Fair enough.  
  
Vittoria: Hey, I'll tag along so you have someone to condescend to. Even though I'm the CERN physics researcher who just created antimatter, and you're just really good at bullshitting.  
  
 **Meanwhile, outside the Sistine Chapel  
**  
Ewan: Um, a madmen has captured 4 cardinals and is threatening to blow up Vatican City, and you want to just continue on like normal?  
  
Lead Cardinal dude: ...yep.  
  
Ewan: But what about the people in the square?  
  
Lead Cardinal dude: Eh, so maybe we all get to heaven a little sooner than anticipated.  
  
Ewan: ...  
  
Lead Cardinal dude: Remember your place. You were in those Star Wars prequels, and sure, you were the best character in them, but they're over now. Seal the doors.  
  
Ewan: The Force is strong with you.  
  
Aryan Posterboy: I have a very odd accent. And I do not like you, Langdon.  
  
Langdon: I am shocked.  
  
 **Dungeon of Cardinals  
**  
Tech dude from earlier/Future Cardinal Killer: I like tea, and cruel deaths.  
  
 **Archives**  
  
Langdon: Let me cite random numbers at you and voila! How convenient that the same document I want to look at is the same one I need to figure out the madman's crazy plot! And hey, let me give you a history lesson instead of looking it, since we've got a whole 35 minutes to stop a murder.  
  
Vittoria: Screw it, let's take the page with us.  
  
Langdon: I don't think that's what Ewan meant when he said the part about being careful with everything, klepto.  
  
Vittoria: Well, maybe if you were a little less chatty, I wouldn't have had to rip it out!  
  
Olivetti: YOU STOLE FROM THE ARCHIVES! This is why you can't have nice things, Langdon.  
  
Langdon: It was her! And let's focus, people. I need to show you guys how smart I am again. It's Panteon time!  
  
Chief Security dude: I scoff at your intelligence, even though we flew you over from the US for your advice.  
  
Vittoria: You idiot. You clearly don't know what you're doing.  
  
Langdon: Whoo! Let's pretend we're married so we can infiltrate the Panteon inconspicuously.  
  
Vittoria: Um...so, you were wrong.  
  
Langdon: Inconceivable! I know this! Hey, you, tourist guide lady! Tell me where I need to be!  
  
Tourist guide: Um...over that way.  
  
Langdon: On our way!  
  
Chief Security dude: Time for me to be extra snooty with you because sneering at your lack of religion is really the Christian thing to do. *leaves*  
  
Olivetti, Vittoria, and Langdon: Screw you, we'll do what we want. *go to the other church*  
  
1st cardinal: *is very dead*  
  
 **Back in the Sistine Chapel, it's time to vote for the next Catholic Idol!  
**  
 **In the Vatican Square  
** Reporter: So, for those of you who haven't seen EuroTrip, there won't be a new Pope until the smoke is white.  
  
Langdon: Hey, I'm the star of this movie. Back to my bullsh--er, symbologizing! GET ME A MAP NOW, VATICAN BITCHES!  
  
Black cars: *drive quickly to scary music* Hey, look, we could be a car commercial! And we are not conspicuous at all.  
  
People in the square: Hey, let's have a convenient Science vs. Religion debate! Er, fight. Fight! Fight!  
  
Little girl: *picks up her doll AND IS SCARRED FOR LIFE*  
  
2nd Cardinal: *is mostly dead*  
  
Vittoria: *tries to save him*  
  
Blood: *spurts all over Langdon*  
  
Langdon: EEEEEEEEK! OMG, WHY ME? Why does everything happen to me?  
  
2nd Cardinal: Comparatively speaking, you're not the one who should be freaking out right now.  
  
 **Back inside the Vatican's offices**  
  
Langdon: I HAD BLOOD ON ME! And now I'm dressed like a priest.  
  
Vittoria: Yeah, but no one's getting down on their knees to "pray" with you anytime soon. Thank God they ran out of time for a romance subplot in this film.  
  
Olivetti:So, we have a letter. And we're pretty sure the madman killed the Pope with his own meds.  
  
Ewan: Say what?  
  
Vittoria: So, let's do an autopsy!  
  
Chief Security dude: Um, hellz no.  
  
Ewan: Can you figure out the next church?  
  
Langdon: I need to get into the archives again.  
  
Ewan: You're like a broken record.  
  
Vittoria: So, I'll just go through these journals for clues, since no one else could be bothered to earlier.  
  
Ewan: So, about the whole "the Pope might have been been killed with an overdose"...  
  
Vittoria: ?  
  
Ewan: I NEED TO KNOW!  
  
  
 **Meanwhile in the Vatican Archives...  
**  
Aryan Posterboy: I really, really don't like you.  
  
Langdon: Hey, let me buy you some ciggies in exchange for a translation.  
  
Power: *goes out, Jurassic Park-style*  
  
Aryan Posterboy: So, everything, even our air, is controlled by the electricity.  
  
Langdon: Ah, man. You guys didn't think some kind of backup air might be worth it?  
  
Aryan Posterboy: The velociraptors are going to show up any minute, aren't they?  
  
Langdon and Posterboy *break a lot of stuff trying to break out*  
  
  
 **En Route to the Pope's dead body**  
  
Ewan: Here, let me give you my entire backstory. You see, when I say Holy Father, I really mean Father.  
  
Dead Pope: *is SUPA dead*  
  
Everything: *starts to go crazy*  
  
Aryan Posterboy: *enjoys a smooth cancer stick*  
  
Langdon: So, some of your people TRIED TO KILL US!  
  
Vittoria: The journals are gone!  
  
Ewan: *crashes the cardinals' party* OH HAI THERE! I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE ILLUMINATI KILLED MY DADDY! Also, let me give a speech about how awesome the church is.  
  
 **Meanwhile, at Santa Maria della Vittoria... in which the fire symbol is not related to heat but to passion, and our only female character is named Vittoria...yes, I see what you did there, Dan Brown.**  
  
3rd Cardinal: *is on fire* We don't need no water, let the mo--  
  
Everyone: *fail epicly at saving 3rd cardinal*  
  
Langdon: *literally crawls away*  
  
 **Back at the Sistine Chapel**  
  
Lead Cardinal dude: Oh, yes, I can use cliches just as well as the rest of you. Go find the antimatter device. And, sure, I'll totally step down so I can have a chance at Popedom. I've always wanted a Popemobile. I'll pimp that sucker out, too.  
  
Vittoria: Hey, you! Give me those journals back!  
  
Chief Security dude: Hellz no. What will I read when I go to the beach this summer?  
  
  
 **Back in the church of the Barbequed Cardinal**  
  
Olivetti: *is dead* Man, left Narnia for this?  
  
Langdon: So, I've just now made the connection that maybe the churches are in a cross pattern. Because I'm an amazing symbologist. No one else would've thought of it sooner. *they go to the next church* So there's no angel, but there is a dove! That's totally the same thing!  
  
Cardinal killer: *is also a cop killer*  
  
Langdon: *wastes a lot of time trying to lift the 4th cardinal out instead of simply unstrapping him from the weights* So, on to Castello Angelo!  
  
Italian police: Hey, let's try looking elsewhere!  
  
Langdon: GET ME A FLASHLIGHT!  
  
Vittoria: You know, it wouldn't kill you to say please every once in awhile.  
  
Langdon: A PENTAGRAM! Onward, ho!  
  
Vittoria: Excuse me? *they find the prison the cardinals were kept in*  
  
Langdon: Follow the angels! Not that there aren't like, a zillion of them all over this city!  
  
Vittoria: The antimatter isn't here.  
  
Langdon: Ooo, but there are branding irons! Kinky!  
  
Cardinal killer: Hallo! You're unarmed so I won't kill you, because though I am an assassin, no one paid me to kill you two. *leaves and falls for the oldest trick in the book, the "here's a car to explode yourself with" trick*  
  
Langdon: Quick, we have to find Ewan! He's in danger!  
  
Ewan: Aaaaahhhh, I've been branded. ILLUMINATI! ILLUMINATI EVERYWHERE!  
  
Half the people running into the room: *shoot the other half of the people*  
  
Langdon: So...you're branded upside down.  
  
Ewan: Saint Peter! His tomb is where the antimatter is stored!  
  
Everyone else: Wait, wasn't Langdon supposed to figure that out? Why did we fly him over again?  
  
Antimatter: *is tucked safely by Saint Peter's tomb*  
  
Vittoria: Yeah, so I don't think I can do anything to stop the exploding. Maybe we should've given ourselves more than 24 hours of battery power, but it's not like we really thought terrorists would go after a weakly guarded weapon of mass destruction.  
  
Ewan: *snatches the antimatter canister* COME WHAT MAY! I'll save you all! *flies the helicopter straight up, parachutes out*  
  
Helicopter: *explodes, bits go everywhere*  
  
Aryan Posterboy: Ewan sacrificed himself to save us, and he's okay!  
  
Vittoria: I'm second-thinking my committment to science now.  
  
Langdon: Eh, it's not your fault a madman tried to use your work to destroy Catholicism.  
  
Lead Cardinal: Um, I know we all like Ewan, but maybe we shouldn't make him Pope.  
  
Other Cardinals: No, I think we should. You saw him in Moulin Rouge, didn't you? The man was gorgeou--er, his faith saved us. Let's find a loophole and make him Pope.  
  
Vittoria: So, I'm going to get those journals back.  
  
Langdon: And hey, maybe this key the Chief Security dude was holding when he got shot is useful for something.  
  
Security Video: Oh, hai there! Let me incriminate Ewan!  
  
Ewan: Okay, so I killed the Pope, the man I loved like a father. *brands himself*  
  
Chief Security dude: Whoa, that is hardcore. *is shot*  
  
 **Back to the present  
**  
Ewan: Dude! I'm on my way to become Pope Pimpin' the First!  
  
Cardinals: *stare daggers* Denied.  
  
Ewan: *sets himself on fire* Damn, I'm hot.  
  
Langdon and Vittoria: *sit around doing not much of anything*  
  
New Camerlengo: Here is a shiny gift for you! Write nicely!  
  
Langdon: I am a little uncomfortable about all this God talk, btw.  
  
Shiny New Pope: *reinacts Pope scene from Eurotrip, but without the curtain/rod and the whole running after Mike part* 

 

FIN


End file.
